9 Things I Did as My Gray Hair Grew in — and One Invaluable Discovery I Made Along the Way

The author, winter, 2019.

To gray, or not to gray? The emotional considerations of letting one’s hair go natural send most of us reeling. Will the color be a “pretty” or an “ugly” gray? How will you feel about yourself as it’s growing in — and when you finally have a full head of it? How will the world — family, friends, partners, colleagues — perceive and treat you?

For me, practicality ruled the day. I have fast-growing curly hair, and a cowlick that keeps half the root line along my forehead exposed. The combination meant that my gray roots showed very quickly after a dye job — sometimes within a week — as if mocking me for all the time and money I’d spent.

As my light brown hair transitioned, its texture also changed, and it stopped holding color. Newly dyed vibrance disappeared almost overnight, giving way to brassiness, frizzy dullness, or a hideous combination of the two.

The game changer arrived in my early fifties, when my to-do lists multiplied due to a tsunami of prolonged, serious family illnesses. “Color my hair” quickly dropped from an essential task, to a “when I can get to it” item, to a thing of the past.

I’ve maintained my silver hair for several years now, and even when I’m mistaken for being older than I am, I have no desire to go back. I know everyone is different, but my authenticity in this area makes me feel comfortable and free. At a certain point, dying never looked great, so I never felt great. Now I work with what I have, and I embrace the simplicity.

Surprisingly, my silver strands have been quite the conversation starter! I receive compliments, as well as plenty of questions from gray-curious friends and colleagues. These nine suggestions are based on the queries I get most often. I hope they are helpful to others deciding whether or not to embark on this personally transformative, yet unavoidably public, journey.

1. Remember that you are the expert on you. When you’re ready to try growing your natural hair out, whatever your reasons may be, you will know. There’s no reason to put pressure on yourself.
2. You can always change your mind! Like many things in life, this is an experiment. If your natural hair color does not suit you, you can go back to dying it.
3. While it’s happening, you will not always be happy with your appearance. Unless you shave your head or get a pixie cut, there is going to be a stretch of time where your half-dyed and half-natural hair makes you feel ugly. (Or maybe you have such healthy self esteem that you won’t feel that way, in which case, go you!) This phase will pass. Play with your hair to find the best ways to wear it. I did a lot of ponytails and buns, which weren’t perfect but minimized my discomfort.
4. The people whose opinions mean the most to you may not like it. Be prepared for mixed responses, and for some people to be unkind as they voice them. I’m talking about your friends, partner, kids, mom, co-workers — and even strangers…anyone who has a voice and an inability to keep their opinions to themselves. Take deep breaths, and prepare some stock replies like: “You love me, you’ll accept it eventually… It’s just an experiment… Yes, you’ve mentioned that already… Your displeasure is a you problem, not a me problem.”
5. Have patience with the growth rate. Until the last of your last dye job has been snipped and is lying at your feet, you’ll need to persevere. To get you through, focus on other aspects of self-care and well-being: your nails, exercise goals, make-up palettes that go well with gray hair, wardrobe and accessories, etc. By the time your hair grows out, you may be rocking an all-new look and vibe!
6. Be gentle with your hair, which may become more dry. Do not wash your hair daily. If “bed head” is an issue, as it is for me (Thank you, CPAP head straps) then do a water rinse in between shampoos, or use conditioner only. Or just dampen it with water and style as usual. Clear, white, and purple leave-in conditioners, creams, gels, and serums are hair texture lifesavers — and as a bonus, they won’t leave your grays looking dull, dingy, or yellowish.
7. Experiment with purple, blue, and sulfate-free shampoos and conditioners. If your new hair growth appears mousy or is an unappealing steel gray, don’t quit growing it just yet. Instead, try shampoos and conditioners that are purple (these work best on my hair), blue, and/or sulfate-free. They are designed to take the brassiness out of all shades of gray, and to brighten the hair. If the impact isn’t enough to keep you confident, ask your stylist if she’d recommend a professionally applied gray rinse, toner, or glaze. I did this, and while I didn’t love the resulting shade, I did enjoy having my hair color more uniform.
8. Join “silver sisters” social media groups. In these typically large, often amazing spaces you’ll find companions for this journey offering inspiration, guidance, techniques for handling unkind comments, homemade hair product recipes, humorous stories, photos, and so much more. You may even find a group that more specifically meets your unique hair needs; for example, I belonged to two “Curly Silvers” groups. They were wonderful!
9. Ready, get set, go! The finish line of this process is a whole new experience. There are people who dismiss me as soon as they see my gray mop top, and there are people who trip over themselves to make sure I am well tended to as the elder they perceive me to be. I used to say to the latter, “I’m not that old!” But now I let it ride because someday, I will be; I figure it’s good practice to learn how to graciously receive a hand as that time gets closer. The best, however, is when young women stop me to say things like, “Your hair is iconic!” or to ask me what products I use, or tell me they hope their hair is just like mine when they get older. Their interest and sincerity melt my heart — and I’m proud to model the confidence I hope they’ll feel someday.

While I approached going gray as a practical experiment on what I considered to be a superficial aspect of life, it actually became a rite of passage for me. I walked through a lot of changes and loss, many of them untimely and unwelcome, as the hair color of my younger days faded away. Increasingly, I resembled the beloved ancestors I prayed to for strength and guidance throughout that time. As I catch glimpses of them in my reflection — my grandmother, my father, an uncle — I feel so much love for them. Somehow, those feelings have expanded into love for myself…my courageous, loving, thriving self. My gray is here to stay.

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